FAT WOMAN DOES SOMETHING

OVERWEIGHT, UNAPPEALING LOOKING WOMAN CAPABLE OF SOMETHING OTHER THAN CONSUMPTION OF FATTY FOODS. NEWS! NEEEWS!!

Oh please. Next time I go for a job interview I'm tempted to burst into song just so employers don't labour under the misapprehension that I may enter their company and promptly eat all their employees, and can subsequently feel good about themselves on hiring a fatty with hidden depths.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, you've been living under a pop culture rock for the past week, I am speaking of course, of the performance of one Susan Boyle on the crime against television that is 'Britain's got talent'. As a self proclaimed snob and Guardian reader I feel I must first justify myself by explaining to you all that I didn't watch the program, honest! Someone sent me a YouTube link...and it was interesting...and...and...I couldn't help myself. Besides, everyone else was doing it! What I saw was astonishing, the middle aged woman strolled out on stage, declaring herself to be 47 years old, though her outfit could have easily added ten years, she was met by Simon 'Teeth!' Cowell raising his eyebrows to near superhuman heights and Piers Morgan suppressing girlish giggles, a smug smirk playing around his mouth when he finally felt satisfied that he could look at the woman without tittering. Amanda Holden, token blonde (with good breasts) did nothing of note. Susan Boyle told 'Simon', in that irritatingly overfamiliar way they all do, that she'd like to be as successful as Elaine Paige. Pan to the audience, young girls and their awful friends (no doubt in denim skirts and leggings, pashminas stowed safely in oversized handbags) openly laughing, until, of course, Boyle began to sing 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Miserables. I shall leave it to you to assess the merits of her performance, but I personally thought it was outstanding.

That's just the background information, and although my anger for those who openly derided Boyle is great, it is nothing compared to the anger I felt at subsequent events, that I observed through the only acceptable modern medium, YouTube...

I have made attempts to comment on Piers Morgans' offer to take Susan Boyle out for dinner and then be the one to provide the woman with her first kiss ('with these' he pouts, pointing to his lips, at which point I threw up in a bin) after an interview in an abhorrent tabloid revealed her apparent 'lust' for the doughy faced, c**t featured slime ball of popular culture. A video of Piers' graciously offering to escort the lady in question to dinner has been posted on YouTube on Morgans official channel. So far my comments have not been approved.

I digress, however, my point is that such a spectacularly talented woman/any self respecting woman at all, would not wish to find themselves being treated as a charity case by the likes of Piers Morgan.*

Oh Piers, perhaps Jeremy Clarkson (he's got nothing to do with this story, I just thought it was a shame to be writing about self satisfied right wing idiots and not include him) and yourself can set up a big festival of mutual masturbation while you both speak at length about just how virtuous you both are for even condescending to speak to members of the public, let alone slightly overweight ones who aren't Heat magazines idea of 'a drop dead gorgeous beach bod'

And so you can form some sort of authoritative judgement, you can watch the woman herself singing on 'Britain's Got Talent' here
That standing ovation by the way, a true self congratulatory wank fest in which all the people who nearly weed themselves with cruel laughter feel suddenly gratified that they didn't actually throw knives at the obviously talented, albeit less conventional looking forty-something.

And here's Piers Morgan's sickening response, which has apparently been lapped up like piss by kittens affected by complete sensory deprivation. What a lovely man, a 'gentleman and a scholar' appears to be the common consensus (by those lucky few permitted to comment on the video), I don't know what's preventing me from travelling to London and humping his leg as we speak. A great man, and his opportunistic altruism only makes him sexier


*If you can, for a moment, envisage the way old people say 'David Bowie', or how misguided, charmingly naive students say 'Tony Blair' it will provide you with some point of reference in imagining the disdainful way in which I spit out this mans name.