Sunday, 13 September 2009

CRB Checks


Why Poltical Correctness is probably worth it in the end.

For my long awaited new blog entry, I put little thought into the subject, I just found myself typing after listening to a particularly thought provoking 5Live phone-in, and after consuming a few too many glasses of wine. So forgive my ramblings until I am in a fit state to come back and correct this mess.


So, my friends, the issue at hand is this: a large proportion of the public are outraged that parents, members of the community etc, should be required to submit to a CBR check before they can do things like drive the school football team to matches, or stand in for the netball trainer or afterschool pottery club teacher for a week or two. This is an abhorrent idea, an indication that the government is hell-bent on branding all community do-gooders potential paedophiles, and another clear example of 'Political Correctness Gone Mad'

If you believe the above, or set any store by it whatsoever, you, my friend, are an idiot, you are hypersensitive to whatever the media tells you, have lost all sense of proportion and rationality, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Now, let's be reasonable, but most importantly of all, let us judge others who are not as clever as we are, and who show it by spouting their ignorant assumptions over the airwaves. May we judge from our middle class podiums made of feta and sundried tomato tartlets, garnished with fresh basil, those who read the words of Daily Mail journalists, and believe them, and those who have lots of money, but poorly decorate their houses. In short, let us revel in our own smug middle class existence, safe in the knowledge that we do, in fact, know better.

This entry will assume knowledge, mostly that of recent debates, so nothing too taxing, just what was outlined earlier.
Now, my 'beef' as it were, is with many aspects of the CRB check debate....

What the f**k is WRONG with a CRB check? All that seems to have been taken into account in this debate is the inconvenience for the person submitting to the test, financial issues have been touched on by individuals, but for the most part, the school or organisation will pay for the check, leaving the adult in question very much in the black, and subsequently able to help out his or her local school and community. This is obviously awful.

The very same people that will argue that the extra checks are over the top and excessive, are the same people that will have joined those awful, inhumane and disgusting Facebook groups that called for the parents of 'Baby P' to have unspeakable torture inflicted upon them, before ultimately, being murdered (Because the 'eye for an eye' approach has worked so well in the past). You can see them now 'Wewl, it's political correctness gan mad innit, all these checks an that'. Yet if sufficient care isn't taken by the relevant authorities, this same person will take up a flaming torch and wish death and destruction upon any organisation charged with the care of an infant that was tragically harmed by an authority figure.


Yes, the system is flawed, yes, perhaps there should be a one size fits all approach to CBR checks, to avoid the need for people to take numerous tests in order to work with various children's organisations, but that is NOT the issue at hand. We must consider whether or not the safety of our children is worth responsible adults undergoing minor inconveniences.

For my part, I say bring on the tests, bring on the criticism that will surround them, bring on the extra cost, bring on the scorn and anger from ignorant observers, and bring on a safe, free environment for children, let them play in peace, without fear, and let us shoulder the burden without complaint. Why should we begrudge them that?


Saturday, 18 April 2009

FAT WOMAN DOES SOMETHING

OVERWEIGHT, UNAPPEALING LOOKING WOMAN CAPABLE OF SOMETHING OTHER THAN CONSUMPTION OF FATTY FOODS. NEWS! NEEEWS!!


Oh please. Next time I go for a job interview I'm tempted to burst into song just so employers don't labour under the misapprehension that I may enter their company and promptly eat all their employees, and can subsequently feel good about themselves on hiring a fatty with hidden depths.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, you've been living under a pop culture rock for the past week, I am speaking of course, of the performance of one Susan Boyle on the crime against television that is 'Britain's got talent'. As a self proclaimed snob and Guardian reader I feel I must first justify myself by explaining to you all that I didn't watch the program, honest! Someone sent me a YouTube link...and it was interesting...and...and...I couldn't help myself. Besides, everyone else was doing it! What I saw was astonishing, the middle aged woman strolled out on stage, declaring herself to be 47 years old, though her outfit could have easily added ten years, she was met by Simon 'Teeth!' Cowell raising his eyebrows to near superhuman heights and Piers Morgan suppressing girlish giggles, a smug smirk playing around his mouth when he finally felt satisfied that he could look at the woman without tittering. Amanda Holden, token blonde (with good breasts) did nothing of note. Susan Boyle told 'Simon', in that irritatingly overfamiliar way they all do, that she'd like to be as successful as Elaine Paige. Pan to the audience, young girls and their awful friends (no doubt in denim skirts and leggings, pashminas stowed safely in oversized handbags) openly laughing, until, of course, Boyle began to sing 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Miserables. I shall leave it to you to assess the merits of her performance, but I personally thought it was outstanding.

That's just the background information, and although my anger for those who openly derided Boyle is great, it is nothing compared to the anger I felt at subsequent events, that I observed through the only acceptable modern medium, YouTube...

I have made attempts to comment on Piers Morgans' offer to take Susan Boyle out for dinner and then be the one to provide the woman with her first kiss ('with these' he pouts, pointing to his lips, at which point I threw up in a bin) after an interview in an abhorrent tabloid revealed her apparent 'lust' for the doughy faced, c**t featured slime ball of popular culture. A video of Piers' graciously offering to escort the lady in question to dinner has been posted on YouTube on Morgans official channel. So far my comments have not been approved.

I digress, however, my point is that such a spectacularly talented woman/any self respecting woman at all, would not wish to find themselves being treated as a charity case by the likes of Piers Morgan.*

Oh Piers, perhaps Jeremy Clarkson (he's got nothing to do with this story, I just thought it was a shame to be writing about self satisfied right wing idiots and not include him) and yourself can set up a big festival of mutual masturbation while you both speak at length about just how virtuous you both are for even condescending to speak to members of the public, let alone slightly overweight ones who aren't Heat magazines idea of 'a drop dead gorgeous beach bod'

And so you can form some sort of authoritative judgement, you can watch the woman herself singing on 'Britain's Got Talent' here
That standing ovation by the way, a true self congratulatory wank fest in which all the people who nearly weed themselves with cruel laughter feel suddenly gratified that they didn't actually throw knives at the obviously talented, albeit less conventional looking forty-something.

And here's Piers Morgan's sickening response, which has apparently been lapped up like piss by kittens affected by complete sensory deprivation. What a lovely man, a 'gentleman and a scholar' appears to be the common consensus (by those lucky few permitted to comment on the video), I don't know what's preventing me from travelling to London and humping his leg as we speak. A great man, and his opportunistic altruism only makes him sexier



*If you can, for a moment, envisage the way old people say 'David Bowie', or how misguided, charmingly naive students say 'Tony Blair' it will provide you with some point of reference in imagining the disdainful way in which I spit out this mans name.